Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Nine Books That Made me Want to Stick a Rusty Dagger in My Eye

Over the years, my avid love for books has thrown me in the path of several pieces of "literature" (for want of a better word) that left me flabbergasted and often on the verge of doing something regrettably violent (like setting the damn thing ablaze and dancing around the fire wearing a creepy tiki mask like this one:
 Among those, here are the ones that deserve a particularly high rank:

9. Avenger's Angels (Lost Angels #1):

This book isn't well known but that doesn't stop it being completely horrible. Avenger's Angels combines misogyny, an annoying Mary Sue of a female lead and angels who turn into psychotic sadistic vampires all in one book. 


My full review of the book can be found here.

8. Mansfield Park:

I truly have no idea why I picked up this book in the first place but I can tell you that I lived to regret that decision. The damn thing is like THREE FUR-REAKING INCHES THICK and most of those three damn inches are full of boring, lame crap repeated over and over and OVER again till you want to gouge your eyes out. In the beginning I was all like:


Thereafter, it got worse and worse until, by three quarters of the way through I was like:

Still don't know how I managed to finish the God-awful thing.

7. The Prince and the Pauper:

Ditto. Written in pre-Shakesperean English, The Prince and the Pauper made my twelve year old head spin. Add to that the fact that it didn't have anywhere near enough story to fill it's 240 pages and you've got one VERY unhappy pre-teen. Instead of reading the book, I suggest you watch this:


And have it done with :|

6. Lolita:

After hearing 17 million people practically burst into worshipful song when Lolita was mentioned, I decided to read the book. My mistake was that I started on it without reading the blurb and after a few pages when I realized that what had been described to me as an "epic romance" was actually the story of some creepy ass psychopathic fruitcake who falls for a twelve year old, marries her mother to stay close to her, becomes her guardian after said mother's death and subsequently rapes her, this was what I looked like:


And then:

And THEN:


So, yeah. Disturbing.

5. The Alchemist:

To this day I want to stab everyone who told me that I simply MUST read this book because it's just oh-so-enlightening and oh-so-beautiful and, generally, oh-so-awesome. All I have to say to those people is this: MY NON-EXISTENT THIRD FOOT!! This was one of the biggest pieces of crap I'd ever laid eyes on! I don't give a fudge if you think I'm insensitive or whatever, The Alchemist made me want to bang my head against a wall. The only good thing about it was that it was like a centimeter thick and so ended quickly. Any longer than that and it would have been a candidate for my Kill-It-With-Fire list. 

4. To Kill a Mockingbird:

Yes, I hated it. SUE ME! Should've cleaned out my cupboard or observed ants climbing my bedroom wall or something instead of reading that shiz. And, oh, if you think I have no taste/don't understand literature then this is all I have to say:


3. Eleven Minutes:

This is what the blurb read:
"Eleven Minutes" is the story of Maria, a young girl from a Brazilian village, whose first innocent brushes with love leave her heartbroken. At a tender age, she becomes convinced that she will never find true love, instead believing that "love is a terrible thing that will make you suffer. . . ." A chance meeting in Rio takes her to Geneva, where she dreams of finding fame and fortune. Maria's despairing view of love is put to the test when she meets a handsome young painter. In this odyssey of self-discovery, Maria has to choose between pursuing a path of darkness -- sexual pleasure for its own sake -- or risking everything to find her own "inner light" and the possibility of sacred sex, sex in the context of love
BULL. CRAP. This book isn't about "self discovery" or "finding inner light", it's. About. SEX. Plain, simple, sweet. Do NOT feed me lame ass rubbish about "searching one's soul" and "understanding oneself" just 'cause you like to hear yourself talk. Throughout Eleven Minutes I kept waiting for the promised enlightenment but it never came. I gotta say though, Coelho is one smart cookie. This is what his books are:

Abstract art. Otherwise known as My Two Year Old Got Hold Of My Palette And Ruined A Perfectly Good Canvas

And, therefore, this is what the awaam says:

Looks like crap and I don't get it but I'll praise it anyway because if I don't, I'll look ike a shallow, insensitive art hater!
Awom pls.

2. Twilight:

Do I need to explain this one? Do I? Didn't think so. Also, these books are the culprit behind turning this guy:


Into this guy:


*shudders*

And the #1 book that made me want to stick a rusty dagger in my eye?

Fifty Shades of Grey

Ha. No surprises there I guess. For further details refer to my review of 50 Shades here.
ps. If Ian Somerhalder or Henry Cavill do end up taking the Christian Grey role in the movie adaptation of this dungheap, THEY ARE DEAD TO ME :@
Jus' sayin ^-^

2 comments:

  1. Agree with the part about Coelho. I never quite got how he connects strpping naked in public with fancy ideas of 'freedom' and 'spiritual enlightenment '. I keep looking for something substantial to hold on to throughout the book, something that will 'click' , and make me understand why he's famous as, like you said oh-so-awesome..but never really find anything to it apart from the bullcrap it seems on surface.
    (maybe we need a third eye , or a better sense of literature, they say)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. PRE-CISE-LY. We need more people on our Coelho hating army :P

      Delete